Sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart… and then total strangers let you bathe your kids at their house. 

The thing about crisis is that it brings out both the best and the worst in people.

As you probably saw, Austin and much of central Texas were hit hard this past week. The snow and ice, sustained sub-freezing temperatures, power outages, food shortages, burst pipes, boil notice, not to mention all of this on top of an already unprecedented time with COVID… really pushed many to a breaking point. 

My heart goes out to all who are suffering. While I recognize that there is always a crisis somewhere at any given time, if this one feels dear to your heart, and you want to know how to contribute, this Instagram post offers many opportunities to help.  

Now that the weather has warmed, our power has returned, and we are back in our home, I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned in the last 10 very intense days. 

1. You can’t give what you don’t have. When we are in survival mode, our ability to give is highly impaired. In life, as in crisis, it is imperative to fill ourselves up first so that we have more to give to others.

2. A little bit of kindness goes a long way. So many people reached out to check in on us this past week, and we felt soooo loved. Those who were able to give us shelter, water, and companionship… were truly a lifeline. Strangers became friends. Friends became family.

3. Feelings can and do co-exist. It is okay and normal to feel frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, uncertain, angry, or sad. This doesn’t mean you can’t also feel grateful, humbled, relieved, hopeful, safe, or loving.

4. Consider your reason for comparing. Comparing can sound like “I shouldn’t feel bad because someone else has it worse…” This sentiment typically isn’t helpful, as it diminishes your experience. Your suffering doesn’t have to take anything away from someone else’s suffering. However, if you are comparing as an opportunity to feel grateful and have perspective, that can be helpful (as long as you aren’t saying it to the other person).

5. Yes AND is more helpful than yes BUT… (just try it).

6. Self-compassion is key. Relating kindly to yourself and giving yourself permission to have your experience without judgment, but rather with curiosity, is a primary ingredient to getting through crisis and life.   

7. Sometimes it takes extreme circumstances to remember who we really are. When the pipes burst in the house where we were staying with our friends/neighbors, I was able to dig deep and manage the situation with the adventurous spirit of my early 20’s. I thought to myself, “I’m still in there.”

8. Surviving is good enough until it isn’t. Once you are out of survival mode, then and only then, do you have an opportunity to choose thriving. Thriving doesn’t mean you won’t feel the full range of feelings, it means that when desired you can find your way back to center. 

What are some of the lessons you've learned from a challenge you faced (this week or literally at any point in the last year)?  

And, if you are still in a tough spot, it’s okay to not know what your lessons are yet. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

As Marianne Williamson may have said, “Teach from the resurrection, not from the crucifixion.”

To growth through suffering,

Laura Jack

If you need a little support to turn pain into purpose, feel free to watch my free training here.

As I reflect on the 13 years since my mom died, I realize that as I connect more and more deeply to who I am at a soul-level, the more I realize that my mom is with me.

Yesterday was the anniversary of her death; a day of honor and remembrance, a day where I take time to have gratitude for all she taught me in life… and the many more lessons she continues teaching me in death.

As I reflected about what I would say to her… I realized that her response would be but an echo of my own thoughts and feelings.

Thank you... and she would say, "thank you."

I love you... and she would say, "I love you."

I miss you... and she would say, "I miss you."

Some of the greatest gifts and lessons I have received these 13 years are:

• The gift of listening inward and trusting my intuition, as I can no longer rely on my mom as my sounding board... so I became my own high council.

• The willingness and ability to let my emotions pass through me rather than suppressing them or pretending I am fine. Then recognizing how much more free I am without those stuck emotions.

• The best job for my mind when it comes to my grief is to be but a witnesses. It acknowledges and validates my experience and my humanity with compassion but without making me bad or wrong.

• The pride I had in my mom comes from many of the values we share. We value family, service, justice, education, kindness, humor, generosity, and love. I know like an echo that she would say, "I am proud of you" just as I am so proud of her and the legacy she has left.

• The mixture of feelings I have is inevitable and can be especially grand during birthdays, anniversaries and other momentous times. And while it can feel scary when I feel them coming -- when I allow them, invite them, and let them wash over me, it can be cleansing and freeing rather than murky and stifling.

Yesterday, as I honored the death of my mother, I found myself grateful for her and for my response to her death. 

Grief is what makes us human, and how we respond is what determines the quality of our lives.

I am grateful for the courage I have had:

To face the feelings, all of them, even the hard ones. 

To sit in the shadows of my mind, heart and soul.  

To rebuild myself from the ashes that I crumbled into after her death.

I wish I could help every broken heart heal, and I wish I could walk beside every grieving daughter, mother, sister, husband, friend... so they too would know that they are not alone.

Grief is one of the most painful and yet potentially transformational experiences in life. One that most of us would never wish for, but when forced upon us, we have the opportunity to choose growth through suffering as I have.

Thank you for honoring my truth, my journey, my love for my mother ...

And may you be inspired to embark on your own journey from surviving to thriving... feeling hopeful that it is possible.

If you or someone you love is hurting from a broken heart, and you want to choose GROWTH but don't know how, please watch and share my most recent training: 4 Shifts to Move Beyond the Pain of Loss and Rediscover Meaning, Purpose, and Growth in Your Life. 

It is an accumulation of all I have learned and experienced over the last 13 years, boiled down into 40 minutes of education, inspiration, and practical application. 

If you aren't already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build connections during an isolated time.

To the opportunity for choice and the inevitability of transformation.

Do you ever feel guilty that you don't feel chipper and cheerful this time of year? Perhaps you think to yourself, "I have so much to be grateful for, so why do I feel ______ (fill in the blank with literally any other feeling)?"

I just want you to know that no matter how much personal growth you have done or how good you feel in your life, the holidays can be trying, tense, and emotional. I tell you this not to try to fix the pain or tension, but rather to remind you that you are normal. 

Why are the holidays challenging?

Being out of routine in different environments with family (or not), having holiday traditions that are/aren't happening, or missing a loved one who lost, can all bring awareness to how life has changed, how you have changed, and a whole lot of feelings.

Perhaps there is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations or there are things you hoped would be different, better or more.

Guess what? You are GRIEVING.  

At the Grief Recovery Institute, grief is defined as "the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." 

This year has been the epitome of GRIEF, and generally speaking, we (as a society) have not been taught how to deal with these feelings in a healthy way.

Whether you realize it or not, most of us do a whole lot of, "what's wrong with me?" "Why am I not ________... " that you thought you "should" be at this point.  "If only I had...."

These are just a few of the self critical, internal judgments that so many people have going on inside (particularly during this transitional time). 

So what do we do about it? 

In order to have more peace and ease in this time of reflection, transition, and possibly tension, we must shift from self-judgment to self-compassion (relating kindly to yourself during the trying times of life).

The way to do this is with curiosity. Curiosity sounds like:

"Hmmm... I wonder why this is bothering me so much."

"Hmmm... I wonder what I am learning from the choices I have made?"

"Hmmm... I wonder if it is time to make new choices?

Being compassionate and curious also comes more easily when we give ourselves permission to have feelings. In other words not making feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment, overwhelm, confusion, heartache, joy, or any other feeling bad or wrong.

If we allow ourselves to feel our feelings we can move through them more easily. 

*Hint: Having a compassionate listener who does not try to fix how you are feeling is helpful! All they have to say is "That makes sense." 

I have a challenge for you (if you choose to accept): As you embark on the year ahead, instead of judging yourself for who you have or haven't been or what you have or haven't done, what if you say, "I have learned a lot about myself this past year, and here is who I am being and what I am doing or choosing moving forward."

And remember, every day, every moment (not just the end of the year) is an opportunity to start again.

Alright! Wishing you a healthy and safe holiday season. Please know that I am a resource for you. 

If you need support to move from Isolation to Connection this season, register for my free training here.

If you aren't already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build connections during an isolated time.

You may not like what I am about to say, but humor me for a minute...

What would it be like to embrace this holiday season as an opportunity to create new traditions?

Before you tell me all the reasons why this year has sucked, which I recognize that there is absolute truth in that as well, what would it be like to let go of that sucky-ness feeling for just a minute and ask yourself these questions:

• How has this year created opportunities for me to do things differently?

• How have I grown through the pain and challenges that this year presented?

• Who would I get to be if I let go of the idea that this year only SUCKED?

• What am I proud of myself for overcoming?

I deeply acknowledge that this year has been full of heartache and hardship. It has been full of so much grief, and as you may recall from my recent blog, I believe that grief must come before gratitude. 

What I am grateful for is the honest conversations about grief that are happening more and more. Grief, as is defined by the Grief Recovery Institute, is the "conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." 

This year is GRIEF. It is the conflicting feelings. It is the change in the familiar. It is what we wish was different. Better. Or more. It is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. 

The challenge is, we are taught to deny and repress all the things that we deem as "bad", rather than giving them a voice, accepting, embracing, and loving ourselves and each other through all of it. 

This year has also exposed a lot of UNRESOLVED grief that exists both individually and collectively, and it can be soooo painful. 

However, the worst thing we can do with unresolved grief and pain is to keep pretending that it doesn't exist. 

So what can you do this holiday season, that is full of conflicting feelings that come when things change?

Here is what I suggest: 

Step 1) Acknowledge (to a safe person who isn't going to deny your feelings or experience) and say, "gosh, I miss.... and it won't be the same without them this year." Or, "This holiday season feels so depressing/different/lonely/new... and I don't know what to do with all of that." "I am actually grateful that we don't have to drive/fly/go anywhere and that we can make our own new traditions (but I feel guilty saying that aloud."

Step 2) Validate and accept the feelings as okay. Sit with the feelings. Journal about the feelings. Share (again with a safe, non-judgemental listener). Feel the sensations in your body.

Step 3) Give yourself compassion for all the feelings. Recognize that while each of our experiences is unique, our feelings are UNIVERSAL. Be kind to yourself about the feelings you have, even the ones you may feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed about.... recognizing that if you feel them, someone else (and likely many, many others) do too! Look at yourself in the mirror and say some version of, "You are okay. You are not alone."

Step 4) Release it. Once you have properly felt it, shared it, written about it, honored it, and maybe even thanked the feelings... you can let them go. Letting go can be experienced in many ways. Through creative expressions like music, art, writing, or dance... you can release the feelings that have been stuck in your body. Meditation, massage, and movement can also be helpful. 

(If you need more support for ANY part of this process, especially step 4, reply to this email or schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation here)

Step 5) Decide what you would like to feel moving forward. "I want to feel... peace/love/connection/gratitude/lightness/etc." Then ask yourself, "What is my greatest fear if I allow myself to feel these feelings instead?"

Step 6) Create some new rituals. This does not mean you have to throw out the old ones forever... just give yourself permission to try on a new one without guilt. As we teach in the Grief Recovery world, "guilt is the intention to harm." 

Here are some options for new rituals: 

• Do something nice for yourself.

• Honor a loved one by doing something that honors their memory.

• Share fond memories with people who care about you.

• Do something nice for others.

Step 7) Remember, you are not alone! And perhaps for the first time in history, people are actually aware of how much grief there truly is all around us. You don't have to pretend to be "fine" if you aren't, and it may even give someone permission to be emotionally honest with you too. 

If you want to know how to do that without a vulnerability hangover (you know that feeling you get after you share and the other person looks at you like.... "ugh, I wish I knew what to say and now I feel soooo awkward) then check out my free webinar: 3 Steps to Move from Isolation to Connection After Losing Someone You Love to support yourself this holiday season.  

From my heart to yours as you navigate this holiday season.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Take a moment... 

Really think about it. 

Get this, when I was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up…

I said, “ happy.”

For most of my life, I would say I was very happy.

And then my mom died. She was hit by a car in 2008 and killed instantly.

My heart was broken and my soul was crushed.

I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever feel happy again.

Interestingly, that soul-crushing loss of my most treasured advisor and best friend, led me on a journey to redefine happiness for myself... 

... for how I thought my life would look. 

One of the greatest lessons I learned was how precious and fragile life is...

And how everything can change in an instant.

What that understanding has done for me is it has allowed me to live with more presence.

Knowing that this could all be over tomorrow -- 

How do I want to spend my life? 

I decided that I wanted to spend my life growing. Growth has become the value I hold with highest esteem because what I have come to realize is that when we stop growing, learning, and loving... our soul dies. 

Therefore, when faced with challenges, there are only two options: 

Hide and wilt. 

Or...

Face it and grow. 

So now, as a grown up who has chosen growth and to LOVE life (even after loss), I am asking myself, am I what I wanted to be?

The answer is yes. 

While happiness isn't a fix state of being... like I may have hoped as a child, it is the way I experience life. For me it is about:

Growing through what you are going through.

Using pain as a marker for wisdom.

Finding joy in the everyday moments of life that makes us oh so human. 

Elevating the consciousness of the planet, starting with myself.

Helping other people find their love for life even after tremendous hardship or loss.

So now I will ask you, are you being what you wanted to be? 

Would the younger version of you be proud of you now?

I hope your answer is yes!

If it isn’t what you hoped, what got in the way?

What do you want instead? More joy, more connection, more fulfillment, more happiness?

If so, what is getting in the way of you having that now?

Here's a little existential Food For Thought.

These are the top five regrets of the dying from Bronnie Ware:

• "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

• "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."

• "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

• "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

• "I wish that I had let myself be happier."

So what will it be? What are you waiting for? What will it take for you to truly live?

Will you wait for it to get worse before you do something about it? Or will you take action now? 

Knowing that we only get one shot, I hope you say yes to you… because when you are thriving, everyone in your life benefits! 

Take a baby step to living life the way you hoped by watching my new training: 4 Shifts to Move Beyond the Pain and Rediscover Meaning, Purpose & Growth in Your Life. (Ultimately, how to love your life even after loss!)

You can also schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation if you are ready to say yes to living and loving your life after whatever life has thrown your way.

Last year I had this momentary thought, “What would it take for all of humanity to come together?” 

The immediate response I had was, “An alien invasion.” 

Ironically enough, fast forward only 5 months later and the Coronavirus, though small and invisible, appeared as the alien and the potential thing that would bring us together. 

With the idea of all of us doing our parts to flatten the curve, I felt hopeful. 

What I didn’t take into account was how challenging this would be on all of us and how the unfolding events of this year would become the culmination of so much grief and discomfort previously ignored, avoided, or pushed down (both personally and collectively). After all, as you may have learned by now, “grief is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior,” according to the Grief Recovery Institute. 

So why wasn’t our collective response to the Coronavirus bringing us all together in the way I had imagined the alien invasion would? In part because we are all unique, our experiences are unique, and our perceptions are unique. I also believe it is because we still have work to do... to acknowledge our own feelings and experiences and how painful they are and have been.

Before we can have compassion for others, we must begin with compassion for ourselves.

So while each of us is unique and our experiences are unique ... our feelings are universal.

Even though we arrive at these feelings differently, the one truth we have in common is that we have all experienced some level of love, hate, anger, fear, disappointment, excitement, relief, devastation, heartache, overwhelm, embarrassment, shame, gratitude, and the list goes on.

After all, we are human, and THAT is what brings us together. Our common humanity is in our shared emotions. 

So while we are so divided right now, we are all having the Universal experience of having feelings. 

And when it comes to feelings, the best thing we can do is acknowledge them. After all, you have to feel in order to heal. 

When I was a little girl, my mom used to say, “no one can take away your feelings.” 

I share that sentiment with you today by reminding you that no matter your age or experience, YOU are allowed to have your feelings; AND yet, what you do with those feelings does matter and does impact the collective experience.

While you may not think of yourself as a leader, how you lead and model, whether that is for your children, your friends, your family, your neighborhood, your team or organization, or just how you think inside your own mind, does matter. 

So as we continue navigating this turbulent time, decide how we are each going to feel, and then choose to behave... I hope you will consider this:

Choose to lead and behave with love and kindness rather than fear. 

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness (love) never decreases by being shared.” -Buddha 

Remember that fear is limited and limiting while love is abundant. There is enough for everyone. Enough love. Enough connection. Enough.

You are enough. And when you KNOW this fully… when you FEEL it at the core of your being, you can then be the light that shines on others and empowers others to be their best… not with attachment, but rather with the intention of elevating the whole. 

When we live with compassion, starting with self-compassion, we can shine brightly and warm those around us.

So when the world feels out of your control, remember the only part you can truly control: 

Your thoughts. Your feelings. Your actions.  

If you want to be a light of love when the world feels dark:

You can choose to move away from fearful thoughts and questions that may sound like:

“Everyone else is doing it wrong. What is wrong with them?”

“Why are other people so … (negative judgement)?” 

“Why don’t people see it my way?”

“Why don’t other people respect me?” 

“Why do they think I am … (negative judgement)?”

"It is all their fault that things are the way they are."

"If only others were more... "

The challenge with all of these thoughts is they come from a fear mindset, which means that ultimately there is a threat to love, safety or belonging. Fear and blame does not allow us to live with peace, connection, or love; it only creates more fear.

However, when we practice self-compassion and self-love, our thoughts shift and then our interactions with others also begin to shift to be more compassionate. When we choose love, curiosity, and compassion rather than fear, it can sound like:

“I am curious about other people’s beliefs.” 

“I wonder how I can grow and learn from others?”

“I appreciate and respect myself, AND I also respect and appreciate others.” 

“It is okay to have differing opinions from others and still love them.”

“I hope that with our powers combined we can find solutions that works for the whole.”

“I trust that I will continue to learn, grow and evolve”

“Even though I don’t know what the future holds, I am willing to be kind, curious, and compassionate with myself and others.”

Compassion and curiosity allow us to connect, to appreciate life, to experience peace, joy, and love.
So whatever today and the next few months bring, I strongly encourage you to remember: 

Our common humanity is in our shared emotions. We are all human.
So if that alien invasion ever comes, we will stand together as humans with LOVE & COMPASSION. 

And...maybe the aliens will have something to teach us too. :) 

If you aren't in there already, join our free FB group, Living The Compassion Code!

What do you want?

Such a simple question, and yet, how often do we ask it or are we asked?

What keeps us from asking or answering this question?

Everyone is unique, and yet in my experience people are often afraid to say what they want for fear of judgement:  internal, perceived, or even verbalized.

We asked ourselves questions like:

1) What if I don't get what I want?

2) What if I do get what I want?

3) What will people think of me if I get what I want?

4) What will people think of me if I don't?

5) Is it even possible?

6) Am I thinking too big?

7) Who am I to want this?

The answer is found in science.

There are three parts of our brains, and each part has a different set of instructions and descriptions about what keeps us well and safe.

First is our Brain Stem or “Reptilian Brain”. The reptilian brain is in charge of the physical: your heart rate, breathing, blood sugar – anything to do with keeping you alive. This part of you is in charge of your fight, flight, or freeze response, and it tells you don't stray from your current situation because even though it could be better, it is a perceived threat to your safety because it is “unknown.”

The Limbic System is in charge of generating emotions. It uses emotions to promote a sense of safety and well-being. These emotions drive us toward or away from experiences that affect love, safety and belonging.

And finally, the Cortex or “Human Brain”. The human brain deals with the logical, human, conscious mind. This is the part of us that justifies our choices and behaviors and makes meaning out of our feelings and experiences.

So how do we get what we want?

How do we choose change when change is so often deemed threatening? 

By getting a YES from all 3 parts of our brain.

The Brain Stem has to say it’s safe – it’s not a threat to survival. And we do that by taking calculated baby steps that prove to be safe and not a threat to our survival.

The Limbic System has to say it’s not a threat to love or belonging, and we do that by finding the right support who acknowledges, validates, and normalizes our experience and advocates for our growth. 

And the Cortex has to be so tickled by the idea that it is willing to override the safety mechanism that is simultaneously keeping you safe and also keeping you stuck.

So, let’s start back at the top. 

What do YOU want? 

There are at least 2 paths: 

1) Move toward happiness, pleasure, peace, joy, radiance

OR

2) Move away from pain, heartache, loneliness, isolation, discomfort

That being said, do you want to remove whatever blocks you have from experiencing happiness? Do you want to live fully and wake up more joyful each day? Do you want to help others? Do you want to feel closer in your relationships? Or do you just want to feel less pain or less numb?

Either way is perfectly fine, we are all wired and socialized differently, but knowing yourself and what motivates you is helpful. 

Education is a good baby step for growth and change because it allows us to learn without threat. 

So if you want more joy or less pain, particularly as it relates to your life after loss, please take your first baby step and watch my free training: 

4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss So You Can Rediscover Meaning, Purpose, and Growth in Your Life. 

Here is the link: www.laurajack.com/4shifts

And even if you can’t show up live, you will get the replay in your inbox. 

As you will learn in the webinar, time alone does not heal; it is action (even tiny baby steps of action) within time!

Register to gain knowledge, understanding and hope for yourself or for people in your life who want to take the first step to move toward joy and away from pain. 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

You may not know this, but I got to a point a few years ago where I felt really done with the grief work. I was sick of being "the grief girl." And yet, no matter what I did, people kept coming to me wanting support either in their grief or to support a loved one through their grief. 

One of my clients said to me, "I encouraged my dear friend to reach out to you. I told her that she could go it alone, but she would be better off with the Goddess of Grief by her side."

My eyes filled with tears, as I knew that my calling to support people to move beyond the pain of loss wasn't over, but rather the old me -- the me who fell into the pits of despair with others, the girl who had no boundaries, the wounded healer -- was the part that I was ready to move beyond. 

So here I am... stepping up as the Goddess of Grief and presenting to you my newest webinar: 4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss and Rediscovering Meaning, Purpose and Growth in your Life.

What was so fun about creating this webinar was that it is a combination of years of experience, teaching, healing, motivation and inspiration all coming together in one place! I am so grateful for my team who also made it beautiful and seamless.

While you yourself may not have experienced painful loss or you may not have the desire to find meaning or purpose from your loss at this moment, we all know someone who will benefit from learning:

• What grief really is and how to handle (instead of hide) all the feelings

• What keeps us feeling stuck and what we can do to move beyond the pain

• What coping strategies we are using and whether they are helping us or distracting us

• And how to begin transforming heartache into purpose.

And that is precisely what I share in this webinar. 

Here is some of the feed back we have received:

One participant shared, "That webinar is perfect! Love all of it! The only thing I wish is that I could pause it to

review important concepts over and over again."

And guess what, when you get the replay, you can!!

Another said, "You weave together so many valuable concepts so eloquently, anyone who comes across it will be blessed!" 

Another participant shared, "Thank you for sending this. Your life's purpose has been discovered through your mom's death... It's pretty moving.  And your words and voice are very comforting and inspiring."  

I have total confidence that the education and mindset shifts, as well as the practical tools you will learn when you attend will allow you to walk away feeling more empowered, hopeful, and clear about grief and the possibility for healing and growth through suffering. 

As you will learn in the webinar, time alone does not heal; it is action within time! So register to begin taking action to heal or share with someone in your life who is suffering and ready to receive support on their healing journey.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

We may have heard that vulnerability can lead to more connection, but how do we let go of all of our old beliefs and stories that tell us:

• To suck it up

• To be strong

• To not be too emotional

• That emotions equal crazy

• That feeling our feelings is usually synonymous with being a wreck, a mess, or out of control?

Many of us were taught to be strong – and that feelings (aside from the "good" ones) mean that we are weak. 

For me, so much of my identity was around being the happy, positive one. 

So on one hand, we are finally learning the power of vulnerability (thanks Brené Brown!!), and on the other hand, so much of our belief system and identity is wrapped up in being strong or unemotional -- or as I like to say “pretending to be fine.”

So how do we make the shift from knowing with our heads that vulnerability is “good” ----> to feeling in our hearts that vulnerability is safe?

It starts with self-compassion, or relating kindly to ourselves, and not diminishing our own suffering. 

So instead of comparing our story to someone else’s (compare leads to despair) we can recognize each person's experience is unique, each story is valid, and our unique experience was important to getting us where we are.

Recognizing that everyone has a story (including you) – and likely a grief story, is what can allow us to become compassionate and relate kindly towards each other.

As the old adage goes “hurt people, hurt people...” which means that the opposite can also be true, “healing or healed people, heal people.”

If you want to be part of the solution to help heal our divided, hurting world – the first thing you can do is give yourself some self-compassion for the hurts you have experienced in your life. 

By taking charge of your own healing (the only thing you really can control) and offering yourself the gift of compassion for your own painful experiences, you will have more to give to everyone else in your life. 

So if you are interested in moving beyond the pain of loss so you can lead by example in your life schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation today.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And watch my brand new webinar 4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss so You Can Rediscover Meaning, Purpose, and Growth in Your Life.

"I thought 2020 would be the year I got everything I want. Now I know 2020 is the year I appreciate everything I have." - unknown 

Just a little update for those of you who have been following our moving saga-- our stuff finally arrived in Austin late last week after 6 weeks!!! 

Yay! 

Here are 6 reflections from the last 6 weeks while we waited for our moving van to arrive: 

1) You really don't need a whole lot of "stuff" to get by (even as a family of 4). 

2) Just surviving doesn't feel as good as thriving. 

3) There is peace in surrendering to what you can't control. 

4) I love my stackable matching Tupperware collection more than almost any other "thing" I own, and next time I move it is coming in the car with all my other valuables.   

5) Instead of feeling like we have to unpack, it feels like we get to unpack and each box is like a present. 

6) Even with our country feeling so divided, we have been met with nothing but kindness and generosity from strangers, family, and old friends during our time of need. 

Aside from all the unpacking of our things from Oregon, we are also unpacking and rediscovering things that have been in storage for years. 

Just like grief, unpacking can bring up a lot of emotions and memories. One of my favorite discoveries was a collection of old journals, and I thought to share an old poem I wrote that still feels relevant today.

Don't wait to say I love you;

we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Don't wait to say hello;

the moment may pass you by.

Don't wait to say thank you;

they may never know your gratitude. 

Don't wait to dance; 

your feet are ready now. 

Don't wait to say I'm sorry; 

it may be hard but it's always worth it. 

Don't wait to let go of resentment;

it's not worth it to hold on to the pain. 

Don't wait to say you care;

they can't read your mind. 

Don't wait to love your body; 

it is what allows you to live this life. 

Don't wait to say I love you; 

there is no promise of tomorrow.

Love now. 

Maybe a few of these rang true for you, and you know in your heart that the time is now.

You just need to know the how.

So if you're asking yourself: 

"how do I let go of resentment?

how do I say I'm sorry?

how do rediscover my light after loss?"

Then it may be time to schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation with me so we can sort out your "how." 

So don't wait to start loving now and that starts with loving you. 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Do you ever find yourself saying, “I used to be more easygoing, fun, carefree?”

Do you ever feel like the person you are now doesn't feel like the real you?

Do you smile less or perhaps you’re less generous with your compliments?

If this sounds familiar, know that you aren’t alone. 

On our recent Light After Loss coaching call, one of our clients shared a similar sentiment to the ones above. 

They even went on to say, “It's the rigidity that I feel, and the fact that people in my life see me as difficult or demanding that makes me want to shift. This isn't who I think I am or who I want to be.”

If this is you, here is a bit of coaching to heal your perspective:

Ask yourself, "Where is the possible value in being demanding?

Perhaps it's that you are able to speak your needs and know what you want.

Next ask yourself, “Do you think that/ those qualities could have valuable?”

It's likely you would agree that there is some value.

You might even consider yourself an advocate, a truth-teller and someone who is clear on what you want and what you don't want. And with that, you are also brave enough to speak up for yourself and others.

With these questions, do you feel yourself shifting from judgment to curiosity and even gratitude for this part of yourself?

Do you know why our muscles get stiff when we are injured? To protect us from further injury. And how do we help our stiffness? By stretching.

If you aren't thrilled about the ways you're showing up in your life, here's what I want you to know:

Being rigid or stuck in your ways is not your natural state. It is what happens to protect you when you are hurting from unresolved grief.

So in order to “stretch” and heal your rigidity or the adaptations you created to protect your heart, you must first have compassion for the mechanism you used to protect yourself from further injury or heartache. 

Once you have given yourself the gift of self-compassion, you can choose to heal your unresolved grief.

Just like the physical tools of heat, ice, stretching, movement, and physical therapy which help our bodies regain flexibility and freedom, so too exist the emotional tools to help regain flexibility and freedom in our emotional bodies. 

If you are living with the emotional pain of loss, perhaps it is time for action. Time alone does not heal our wounds; it is action within time. 

We all need tools to move beyond our pain, and this isn't something we are taught in school, but it is something we can learn with the right support.

So if you are interested in transforming the heartache of your loss into meaning, purpose, and growth, schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation today.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Have you ever wished that someone could have shown up for you differently, done a better job, or been more supportive? 

Perhaps you felt disappointed that your expectations weren't met? 

You are not alone, as what we wish was "different, better, or more" is the definition of unresolved grief. 

On our recent Light After Loss coaching call, one of our clients honestly and vulnerably shared that she wished that her mom was able to support her more, both now and as a child. As she reflected on her disappointment, she couldn't help but justify her mom's behavior by saying, "she did the best she could." 

Have you ever diminished your experience by justifying someone else's behavior? 

I have. Partially because I have been afraid of what will happen if I let myself feel disappointed and upset.

I coached her through these questions:

Is it possible for your disappointment and sadness to exist simultaneously with your compassion and understanding? 

When she allowed these two experiences to co-exist, the answer that felt most supportive was that she would get to have compassion for BOTH herself and her mom. 

And how did your disappointment in your mom's way of being help shape you into who you are today?

She thought for a moment and then answered, “My disappointment with my mom helped me choose to be a better friend and a more available mom.”

So if you have had a time in your life where you felt like my client, how did your unmet expectations shape you and who you've become? How did your disappointment help you become a better version of yourself? 

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to compassion) we can see that life is happening FOR our growth rather than TO our detriment.

And if you are anything like me and many of my clients, the meaning we make about what happened is as important, if not more important, than what actually happened... and that is the part of the story that we can rewrite as adults. 

Choosing compassion for ourselves, our stories, and even the people who hurt us (unintentionally or intentionally) is what allows us to find peace. 

Here are my 5 steps to move from disappointment to peace: 

1) Acknowledge it by naming the feeling. Give yourself permission to feel it and even say, "it sucked" or "it hurt me."

2) Now, put on your compassion hat and ask yourself, "If I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, what are/were they going through that led them to act the way they are/were?"

**We make up stories all the time, so choose one that gives them the benefit of the doubt as an opportunity to let go of resentment (for YOUR freedom). 

3) With gentleness, ask yourself "What would I have wanted them to do in a best case scenario?"

4) How can I offer myself some of love, support, guidance, generosity, engagement or whatever else you were seeking from that person?

(i.e. Find a non-judgmental witness to listen to me because my parents were unable to do so. Take myself on the date I secretly wanted to go on. Write myself the thank you note I was longing for.)

5) Take a baby step. Once you have come up with a few options, choose one. Transformation starts with your thoughts... so remember, Life is happening FOR you, not TO you.

If deep diving into your past, healing your hurts, and rewriting your story so you can thrive in your life after loss is something you know you need, I have just the thing for you. Check out Light After Loss and let's begin your journey of letting go.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.