Have you ever wished that someone could have shown up for you differently, done a better job, or been more supportive? 

Perhaps you felt disappointed that your expectations weren't met? 

You are not alone, as what we wish was "different, better, or more" is the definition of unresolved grief. 

On our recent Light After Loss coaching call, one of our clients honestly and vulnerably shared that she wished that her mom was able to support her more, both now and as a child. As she reflected on her disappointment, she couldn't help but justify her mom's behavior by saying, "she did the best she could." 

Have you ever diminished your experience by justifying someone else's behavior? 

I have. Partially because I have been afraid of what will happen if I let myself feel disappointed and upset.

I coached her through these questions:

Is it possible for your disappointment and sadness to exist simultaneously with your compassion and understanding? 

When she allowed these two experiences to co-exist, the answer that felt most supportive was that she would get to have compassion for BOTH herself and her mom. 

And how did your disappointment in your mom's way of being help shape you into who you are today?

She thought for a moment and then answered, “My disappointment with my mom helped me choose to be a better friend and a more available mom.”

So if you have had a time in your life where you felt like my client, how did your unmet expectations shape you and who you've become? How did your disappointment help you become a better version of yourself? 

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to compassion) we can see that life is happening FOR our growth rather than TO our detriment.

And if you are anything like me and many of my clients, the meaning we make about what happened is as important, if not more important, than what actually happened... and that is the part of the story that we can rewrite as adults. 

Choosing compassion for ourselves, our stories, and even the people who hurt us (unintentionally or intentionally) is what allows us to find peace. 

Here are my 5 steps to move from disappointment to peace: 

1) Acknowledge it by naming the feeling. Give yourself permission to feel it and even say, "it sucked" or "it hurt me."

2) Now, put on your compassion hat and ask yourself, "If I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, what are/were they going through that led them to act the way they are/were?"

**We make up stories all the time, so choose one that gives them the benefit of the doubt as an opportunity to let go of resentment (for YOUR freedom). 

3) With gentleness, ask yourself "What would I have wanted them to do in a best case scenario?"

4) How can I offer myself some of love, support, guidance, generosity, engagement or whatever else you were seeking from that person?

(i.e. Find a non-judgmental witness to listen to me because my parents were unable to do so. Take myself on the date I secretly wanted to go on. Write myself the thank you note I was longing for.)

5) Take a baby step. Once you have come up with a few options, choose one. Transformation starts with your thoughts... so remember, Life is happening FOR you, not TO you.

If deep diving into your past, healing your hurts, and rewriting your story so you can thrive in your life after loss is something you know you need, I have just the thing for you. Check out Light After Loss and let's begin your journey of letting go.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Have you ever made yourself feel bad or wrong for experiencing big feelings?

I have, and I know my clients have too. 

Recently on our Light After Loss coaching call, one of our amazing clients was having tremendous anxiety about an upcoming opportunity. Her body was having a big reaction to her anxious energy and she was feeling frustrated with herself. She said, “I know rationally I'm going to do well. I'm so prepared. But gosh my body doesn't think so.”

I coached her through these questions:

What does your anxious energy want for you? 

And how is your anxious energy helping you?

She thought for a moment, and then answered, “My anxiety wants me to do a good job.”

Diving deeper we found that her anxiety was there to motivate her to prepare and to take the opportunity seriously. It was also there to invite her to ask for help. 

So if the big feelings we have are FOR us as an invitation -- What do your big feelings want for you?

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to self-compassion) we can see our feelings not as bad, shameful, or wrong, but rather as an invitation to get curious. 

And when you remember that emotions are like a tunnel, you’ll know that before you can come out on the other side, you must acknowledge the tunnel itself. Having the willingness to say it aloud, to state your unease, will allow you to claim your inner peace. Then, you may actually feel incentivized to feel the big feelings and move through them, rather than ignore them or push them away. 

If you are anything like me and many of my clients who've been taught all of our lives to pretend we are fine, keep going, push through, even WIN … then learning how to feel your feelings, to allow them, and to move through them will truly aid in your ability to thrive no matter what you've been through. 

And ironically enough -- winning (whatever that looks like for you) will be a hell of a lot easier. 

Here are my 6 steps to move from judgement to curiosity when big feelings are knocking at your door (or are inside your living room):

1) Get quiet and observe your feelings.

2) Name it. What feeling are you having? (Remember, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. In order for a feeling to be expressed fully, it has to feel safe and not judged.)

3) With gentleness, like you are talking to a child, ask it, "[Feeling], what do you want for me?"

4) Trusting that it is for you, listen to the answer. (Perhaps, even journal about it).

5) No matter what the response, as long as it is kind to yourself, thank that feeling for showing up honestly and vulnerably for your growth.

6) Take a little time for self-care. Whether that is just walking outside and putting your feet in the grass, calling someone who will support you and not judge you, doing some deep breathing, or signing up for Light After Loss so you can be supported weekly ;), self-care isn't selfish, it is a requirement for showing up as your best self with everyone else.  BOOM! 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.